The Complaint Criteria

“How was Orchard City Kitchen?” I asked Claire.

“It was ok,” she said.

“What happened?” Her response told me everything I needed to know, but I wanted details.

Her boyfriend Erwan jumped in, “It was more expensive and not as good as I remembered.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” I agreed. “The portion size is so small for what it is…I’d rather pay more money for more food.”

“Yeah,” Claire said, “I was more frustrated that the second cocktail we got was undrinkable. And that’s coming from people who had a lot of drinks before.” (Claire’s from Belgium.)

“Did you complain?” I asked.

“No,” Claire admitted, “I didn’t know if it was just me and that’s what it should have tasted like.”

“Claire,” I said, aghast, “you should have said something. What if everybody thought like you? Then nobody would say anything. Plus you just said you have plenty of drinking experience so your opinion matters.”

“That’s true,” Claire agreed.

Erwan chimed in, “So my drink was called ‘Very Smoky’ and that’s what it was…but it tasted like an ashtray.”

As a former Yelp Elite member, I was indignant. “If I owned a restaurant and served something that tasted like an ashtray, I would want to know. I would contact the restaurant now to let them know, or write a review…do something.” (As a side note, I no longer see “Very Smoky” on the menu.)

This conversation made me wonder: how often do we go through life complaining about some circumstance to friends, but not say anything to the offending party? And maybe more importantly: when is it right to say something?

Certainly, there are times when it’s better to not complain, like when:

1. It seems trivial and petty
2. It could be a “you problem” (as in Claire and Erwan’s case)
3. You want to avoid an awkward or embarrassing situation
4. You don’t want other people to think you’re weird
5. It’s Lent, and you gave up complaining

I like to think that I’ve made a lot of progress in this area — that is, I speak up during the “right” situations…but of course I continue to make mistakes on both sides of the spectrum. Last year my friend Nathan was driving us back from a weekend camping trip on a narrow mountain road with no guardrails. He was driving way too close to the edge of the road for my comfort, but the other passengers seemed to be dealing with it just fine. I thought it was just me, and took the opportunity to pray for a painless death should we veer off the side of the mountain. Afterwards I joked (but not really) to my friends in the car behind us that I was a bit nervous we were driving so close to the edge of the road, and they confirmed that yes, they noticed it too, and were wondering about Nathan’s driving habits. Relieved that I wasn’t being weird, I told Nathan how I thought we were going to die coming back from camping. His response was calm and nonchalant: “You should have said something.”

Which is funny and ironic because that’s often my go-to response when I hear a complaint from friends. Granted, not every complaint or slight needs a confrontation, and sometimes it’s okay to just vent after a bad day / week / season. For all those other times, though — just say something.

Real question: what criteria do you use to determine whether to complain to the offending party?