Breakfast Lessons in Sri Lanka, part 2

“What I don’t understand,” Sanne started, “is why Americans ask ‘how are you’ when they don’t care about the answer.”

“Ah yes,” I said. “You’re right. They don’t care. It’s just another way of saying hello.”

“I was in Vermont,” Sanne said. “And I was really excited because my mom had sent me a care package from the Netherlands. Then somebody asked me how I was doing, and basically stopped paying attention to me when I started telling them why I was excited.”

“That sounds about right,” I said.

“And then at the checkout line, they’ll ask ‘how are you,’” Sanne continued. “That is not the place to ask how are you. I am there for a purpose, and it is not to make conversation.”

“Understood,” I said. “That is just how Americans do it.”

“It’s just funny,” Sanne said, “because you can only say that you’re doing well. And people don’t really say hi to each other on the streets.”

“People do that in Cyprus,” Andreas said. “They’ll ask you ‘how are you’ on the street.”

“But are they allowed to say that you’re not doing well?” Sanne asked.

“No,” Andreas admitted, laughing.

“Can you say that in the Netherlands?” I asked.

“Yes, of course,” Sanne replied. “Dutch people complain a lot, so they’re more likely to answer negatively to such a question.”

These kinds of cross-cultural conversations were a highlight of my week in Sri Lanka. I had met Sanne the day before camp started, and I immediately appreciated how friendly and genuine she was. She asked questions and stayed for the answers.

It was also fun getting to know Andreas throughout the week. I’ll admit, he wasn’t someone I expected to become friends with, which is perhaps why I didn’t introduce myself the first couple days (also, there were a lot of people there!). But he came up to me and said hi, and I’m so glad he did because he’s the first person I’ve ever met from Cyprus, and I realized quickly how little I knew about the place or the people who come from it.

But that turned out not to matter much.

What mattered was sitting around a table with people who were curious, unhurried, and willing to let a simple question turn into a real conversation. No one was asking “how are you” out of politeness or reflex. When the question came up, it was because someone actually wanted to know.

Travel has a funny way of stripping conversations down to their essentials. You don’t default to habits as easily. You listen more carefully. You notice when someone is excited about a care package, or when laughter is doing the work of translation.

In the States, “how are you” is often just noise we pass through on the way to something else. That week in Sri Lanka reminded me what the question sounds like when it’s asked with intention.

And it turns out, that makes all the difference.